Thursday, October 06, 2005

New Year's Reflections and Surprises

I thought a lot about this past year as Rosh Hashana approached. I thought about its joys and about its sadnesses. I thought about how I have grown and changed over this past year. When it comes down to it, it's been a long year. A lot has happened to my family and to me both. Part of me was just grateful that the year was over. Part of me though thought that while I had a hard year in many respects, it was almost a good thing because there was a lot I learned about myself and the world. I think that with all the happenings, I have grown significantly, and I am grateful for that as well.

I thought about this New Year ahead and what I wanted from it. I know I want to keep myself on this path to myself. This path of learning and growing as an adult that I have embarked on this past year. The past of self discovery which I think we all go through at various stages of our lives. This path is to learn about my adult self and where it all comes from. And how to make it better. How to make this coming new year sweet and full of joy in myself and in the world.

In thinking about all this, I thought about what I wanted for this New Year. What I wanted spiritually and what I wanted physically. I thought about my job and my career and the path it is taking. I thought about my family and all the trials and joys we have experienced. I thought about myself and Rob and the path we have taken together for the past three and a half years. I thought about myself as a person and what I need in my life to be whole and happy. Where do I want all of these things to go? How can I make them happen?

Last year I went into the High Holidays with my feet dragging. I didn't want to sit in shul so long, I didn't want to fast, I was feeling kind of empty. And at the end of Yom Kippur I had a not so great feeling about the year ahead. And every time something happened that was sad, or hard, or bad, I thought about that feeling. Almost like I knew it would happen. But then again, there were so many joys, that I was a bit confused also. This year I have and I am approaching the High Holidays with a sense of peace. I was and I am looking forward to spending them in VT with Rob's family, to be in shul, and to let out my soul to the heavens. This Rosh Hashana has been all of that and more. And I am looking forward to the rest of the Holiday season with the same joy and spirituality.

One of the things I have been thinking a lot about is Rob and I. About our relationship, about my feelings for him and his feelings for me. Where it was headed. I thought about how much I love him and about how happy he makes me. I thought about the joy and love I see in his eyes in our private happy moments. I thought how this relationship was leading towards spending the rest of our lives together with that love, in other words, towards marriage.

I thought a lot about marriage this year. Many cousins and friends have gotten married this year. I was pretty terrified of marriage for a long time. I felt I needed to grow more into myself first. To know and love myself before I jumped into the life altering thing called marriage. Because while a lot of our day to day things won't really change, marriage is a big step, a life milestone, and I wanted to be sure I was ready for it. As the New Year approached, I thought a lot about marriage and I found I was starting to feel a lot more ready. I found that the more I though about stepping into that milestone with Rob, the more I liked it. PLUS I knew he was getting ready for the same thing. Little hints about diamond research, taking with my mom, talking with his mom in conversations that ended when I got out of the shower, or when I got home. Random converations about our relationship and where it may be headed for the future. I was expecting it, but I was expecting it AFTER Yom Kippur. We're spending Yom Kippur through Sukkot in VT, and I thought it would happen in that week, hiking, or somewhere here we were doing things together during the rest of that week.

Well, Rob had other plans. He wanted to catch me off guard and surprise me. He knew I was expecting it AFTER Yom Kippur. So he did it before. This past Monday morning before Rosh Hashana, we went apple picking in VT. It was a beautiful day; warm, sunny blue skys, and the moment was very "us" outdoors, in VT, spending time with nature and each other. We had been picking for awhile, and I bent down to put an armful of apples in the bag. And there among the apples was a little black box.

A MILLION things ran through my head in that second when I saw the box. I couldn't believe he was doing it now, I was totally unprepared, I couldn't believe this moment had come, that it was happening and he was proposing. My response to the box was "What's that??" His response, "A funny looking apple we've got there" I don't remember the specific details about the next 10 minutes or so because I was so flabbergasted and amazed and surprised and happy. He picked up the box and opened it, and said something to the effect of "Will you give me the honor of being your husband?!?" I couldn't speak, I just kinda nodded, and we fumbled to put the ring on (it was too small PLUS my hands were swollen) There was a lot of hugging and I was almost crying and laughing at the same time. After a bit he asked "So is that a yes?" I had been so flabbergasted and dumbstruck I never said yes. YES, YES!!! OF COURSE it's a YES!!!!!

And then I didn't want to pick apples anymore. I wanted to look at the big sparkly diamond on my left hand, (for those of you who care, it's a solitaire circular cut stone with a 6 prong white gold setting)(I'll post a picture when I get one) and I was so amazed and excited and who could pick apples??? So we quickly finished filling our bag and went and bought some cider and went home so I could call the world and tell it my news.

I was SO glad that he did it when he did it, the moment was SO him and me, outdoors, in VT, just enjoying the weather and nature and each others company, and he was able to surprise me so well, and make me so happy, and it was just perfect. I think if he had waited I would have been expecting it and it wouldn't have been as special. But this way it was extremely special and I am extremely happy.

All during the holiday I was beaming. Members of the shul were great and fun and full of Mazel Tovs a million times over. I got a million messages from my family all happy and tearful and laughing and excited. It just made the whole of Rosh Hashana even more sweet to know that with the New Year, there was new happiness and joy and a new step in life.

So YAY for Rosh Hashana, and sweet new beginnings and L'Shana Tova to everyone once again.

YAY!!! I'M SO HAPPY!!!!!!


HSL said...

We are all so happy for you Carie...keep smiling it becomes you. May all your dreams come true!

Anonymous said...

Carie, traditionally marriage engagements are considered "official" once you have a ring and a wedding date. Do you have a date chosen yet?